What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 15:02
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
What is after school detention like in your school?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why do people love to live alone in a house?
And i lived it daily.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What are some very specific groups of people you just cannot stand?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was 9 years of age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What is the most memorable thing that happened in your college days?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why do men prefer low-maintanence women?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is soul school!.
How do you write a letter to your uncle who sent you money for your birthday outfit?
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What is the most gay experience with your dad?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
How do military families handle communication when a service member is injured overseas?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why didn't people like the Game of Thrones ending?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She loved him until the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was scared of men, in general
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot live in the past .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I write beautiful poetry .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
All the time i was locked up.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So whats the point in blame.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Ive learnt so much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She married twice! .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I waited trembling.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I will be 64.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Especially a lifetime of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was seconnd youngest,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I said to her
But, we were locked up after school.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She found it foreign!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I never cut or harmed myself..
When she asked me how she looked .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I don,t even have a pension.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My family never makes their pension either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Would this be the day?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Comes on , in middle age.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.